August 5th 2023

32.26 miles +,7,244 ft / -7,224 ft

In the night I hear rain. In the morning I hear rain. I need to get out of my car to go pee yet there is no place to go except to walk across two parking lots to the port-a-potties. I decide to wait, I don’t want to get all wet, not yet. Fortunately, the back of my car opens up so that I get some protection from the rain and I am able to make coffee. Boy does that hit the spot! I slept just shy of 6 hours last night, pre-race nerves kept me up late studying the course map and details, then it took me a while to fall asleep.

The Volcanic 50K Ultra is in it’s 11th year running, put on by an Oregaon based race organization called Go Beyond Racing. I signed up less than two weeks ago, though I had been thinking about doing this race for some time. The course follows the entirety of the Loowit Trail, circumnavigating Mount St. Helens in a 32 mile loop with over 7,000 ft of climbing and 7,000 ft of descending.

The trail boasts views of the mountain all the way around, dips in and out of lush forest, crosses several creeks and the Toutle River. The terrain is carved with many side canyons and multiple bouldery, jagged lava fields. It is a very diverse course and one of the reasons I felt like I could do this race is my hiking strength moreso than my running abilities with the varied terrain which speaks to my strengths.

As I am sipping my coffee I decide I may as well get dressed and walk over to use the bathroom. From there I will go ahead and pick up my bib. I grab my ID and my coffee and walk up only to discover the line is already insanely long so I slow my pace, hesitant to get in the long ass line. Out of nowhere, two guys from mid-line call out to me “hey, you wouldn’t happen to be Milissa would you?”

My brain is not even firing on all cylinders enough to wonder how they know me, but I answer “yes” in a perplexed but curious manner. As it turns out we have a mutual friend, Scott, who told them I would be racing today. Scott is the one who initially told me about this race. They are quite warm and jovial and I feel encouraged by them saying hello to me. Suddenly knowing someone in the line of 100 people gives me a boost of confidence.

I realize now I am too hungry to wait in this line before eating so I retreat to my car and stuff two hard boiled eggs in my mouth, washing it down with the remainder of my now cold coffee. I need time to digest this before the race starts and it hits the spot perfectly. Eventually I decide to pack up all my gear for the day and take it with while I stand in the line, as the race will likely start immediately after I get my bib.

I sling my tried and true faded pink Ultimate Direction vest on my back, I’ve been wearing this thing for the past four years and it’s full of holes, but still serves the purpose. I also have a new UD waist belt where I can keep some extra items such as my map and more snacks. The race has a few required items such as an emergency blanket, storm jacket and 40 oz water carrying capacity. Of course, I add a bunch of stuff and my pack is now quite full. Since it’s raining I decide to take rain pants, a pair of dry socks, compression socks and gloves for added warmth. It’s not all that cold, but I don’t know that it won’t be up on the mountain!

It’s just a minute after 7:00am and the race is officially underway! I am feeling thrilled and ready for this as we cross under the big banner into the forest as a fine mist falls upon us. There is a solid climb for the first two miles up to connect with the Loowit Trail proper, where we turn left and follow it clockwise.

Shortly we enter the first boulder field and start scrambling right away. The boulders are sharp volcanic rock yet I find my feet gripping well on them and elated to discover they are stable, I love the stable rocks! I feel I am moving well and am thankful for my rock hopping experience, you know it is so much easier when you don’t have 30lbs on your back, go figure!

The trail continues past Chocolate Falls, which is barely a trickle today. After gaining the ridge the trail enters the forest again, still climbing. The foliage is wet as I brush up against it, there is still a light rain falling, though it is not cold in the least. The actual forecast for today called for only a 30% chance of precip, so this feels strange the way the mountain seems to be socked in. We can’t even see the summit of the caldera. I (along with everyone) am thankful for this weather as opposed to the heat, as this race has historically been hot. I will take the rain!

The first aid station is at mile six, located out on a windy ridge. The volunteers are cheerful and dressed up, there is a woman at the food table with a dinosaur horn headband and another woman with bee glasses that has feelers bobbling off the top of her head. All the volunteers are so cheerful, helpful and offering us whatever we need. I finish off my water and make a batch of G1M electrolytes which gets caked on the inside of my nozzle. I have to lick it out and get a strong hit of the powder, whew! I eat two squares of PB & J and drink more water and that’s good for now. I am ready to keep moving.

From here we are on a very windy ridge and the rain is still coming down. Nobody puts on rain gear though as it’s just not cold at all. I am getting wet but not drenched. I feel good and press on, surprised at how light and bouncy I feel which is so nice. I feel like today is off to a great start, I hope it stays this way!

Between the first and second aid stations is a distance of 6+ miles and varying terrain though it’s less climbing than that first six miles. The trail undulates along a contour through sections of forest and more trail amidst some boulders. I see wildflowers such as lupine and paintbrush appreciating the vast expansive views. Even though we can’t see all that far, there is still a beautiful swath of thick green forest in the distance.

About three miles after Aid #1 we reach the first rope assist. So exciting! There is a line of runners waiting their turn on the rope. I am close to Joel here and we continue with a casual conversation. I watch anxiously as I get closer to my turn on the rope. Some people are fast, some are tentative. I wonder how it will go for me? It looks simple enough but mabe it’s hard? The general feel of the crowd is convivial and folks are cheering and encouraging one another.

The trail picks up immediately after crossing a narrow dry drainage at the bottom and now we are faced with a rope assist to climb the other side. It is very steep, sandy and loose. There are rocks jutting out along the path but they don’t seem to move. I am excited to get up there and wait closely behind the woman in front of me. How long do I wait? What is the safe and courteous thing to do?

Soon enough it is my turn and as I enthusiastically try to push my way up and grab onto the rope, my feet slide out from under me. It’s way looser than I thought it would be! Pride swallowed, I grip tighter on the rope and adjust my gait to smaller steps.

From here the trail follows a contour for a mile or so, crossing the intersection with the Sheep Trail. Eventually we start on the long descent from Cresecnt Ridge through the forest to the Toutle River. This is a notoriously long descent, and now I am moving quite well. I am tracking behind a woman and keeping pace with her and that’s fun. The rain is coming down heavier now and I fight off the need to stop and pee, but eventually I go off trail, loosing her and a few other people pass me by.

I decide to put on my rain jacket now as I want to keep from getting totally soaked so early in the race. This all takes a few minutes and then I am alone in the forest, moving down the trail in the rain feeling quite peaceful as I descend and descend on the packed sandy path. Just before we reach the final drop to the Toutle, the views open up again and there is a sense of just how vast this mountain is and how deep this one single side canyon is that has been carved out among many more we will see today. There is a ton of sand and silt throughout this region and this makes for both soft trail as well as looser and shiftier trail as I drop.

Aid station number two is at mile 12 which means from here we have 20 miles to go. This is the last full aid station until aid number four, so this is where you are supposed to load up on calories. After this is a massive climb back up to the ridge and the next aid is a hard 8 miles out. It is full on raining now as I glide into the Toutle Aid Station.

The volunteers have rigged up little tarps for protection and look like they are staying mostly dry. I think if they got wet just standing out here they could get pretty cold. Since we runners are moving, most of us are just in shorts and t-shirts. Except me, I am all covered up, thinking about avoiding hypothermia or at the very least preserving my energy by not gettng too cold. I thank the volunteers for being there and once again they are all smiles and giggles.

It is here I decide it might be time to load up on some Coke. Yep, you heard me correctly, Coca-Cola. I might drink a Coke once or twice a year and this is one of those occasions when it really goes down so well and has amazing effects. I down two small cups of Coke, then eat some PB & J’s again, a couple fig newtons and a couple pickles. Then I down a cup of pickle juice and chase that with some water. I am ready!

It’s a quick, steep drop to the River crossing where I see several folks picking their way across on rocks, keeping their feet dry. To me that seems slow when you can just plow right through, which is what I had always planned to do. I can tell it’s not super deep and while the water is rushing at a good clip, I decide it’s perfectly safe so I go ahead and plunge through the water. I feel silly as I do though, as I am the only person wearing a rain jacket and now I am the only one getting my feet and legs totally wet. Ha ha! It feels invigorating and fun to do this though and I have zero regrets.

The race organization had a photographer at the Toutle so I got my picture taken!

Climbing up from the Toutle River drainage the views spread out and we are no longer in a forest but now up on a really cool ridge that climbs for about a mile and a half on a single track lined with electric green plants of some sort. It is still raining but it has ligtenend up a little and the crevices of the Mountain are beginning to come into view. I am met with a feeling of complete awe to see this up close as the scale is so dramatic.

From the river we have now climbed 800+ ft to this ridge. I am surprised but not surprised at how strong my legs feel climbing and realize that perhaps all that steep backpacking I did last week with 30lbs on my back is paying off! The trail levels out and stays roughly on a contour for the next 5.4 miles with the West Dome of St. Helens hovering over to the East. Though the trail is relatively flat, it is still rocky and lumpy and there are a few overflowing drainages with brief water crossings.

We are definitely out of the forest proper now, as this is one of the volcanic flow areas, spartan trees pop up here and there but mostly it is lava. I catch up with a small pack of other runners and then realize I need to pee again. I guess I am hydrated! I decide not to pass them since I need to pee, yet there is absolutely no where to go, no place to duck for cover or find any privacy, so I wait, trotting along at a comfortable pace, taking in the scenery to distract myself.

I stay behind the little runner bubble as my brain and eyes search for some trees, please give me some trees! Then I cross paths with a couple who is backpacking, they are headed in the opposite direction and offer words of encouragement. Everything about this landscape is barren, yet there are all these folks out here enjoying it’s stark beauty.

After a couple miles I finally settle on a small, very small, cluster of stubby coniferous trees just off the main trail. It is not perfect but I literally can’t wait, I am getting quite uncomfortable. Of course, as I drop my drawers, three runners come around the bend. I seem to have a knack for this so it does not surprise me in the least and I just have to laugh. I can’t do anthing about it except hope they’ll avert their eyes as they pass.

I feel like an entirely new human now and take this opportunity to ditch the jacket as the rain has lightened up. I’m feeling so much better and more free now, released from the shackles, whoo hoo! The trail here continues on a rough contour through the lava and there is a beautiful ochre colored ground cover interspersed among the pumice. The trail undulates in and out of little water drainages and eventually crosses what I believe is Loowit Creek. The water is pure glacial melt and tumbles off the mountain, churning the pumice; silty, milky and damn cold as I plunge in.

In about a mile I come upon a woman who looks like she is really struggling. As I approach her I say hello and check in. I can tell she is having a low moment and when I engage with her, she asks how far it is to the next Aid Station. She says she is going to drop there, she doesn’t think she can finish.

My heart sinks for her. The next Aid Station is less than a mile away, and it’s remote, there really is no getting out easy from there. She is concerned she won’t make the cutoff to the final Aid Station at 4:00pm which is only about 5 miles away. She asks me what she should do. I don’t know this woman but I have ascertained she in not injured, just fatigued and discouraged.

Thus, I encourage to her fuel up with whatever calories she has in her pack, drink lots of water and suggest she power hike the next mile to the Aid Station, fuel up there as well but don’t spend too much time there, then try to jog at a consistent pace for the 4 miles until the final Aid at Ape Canyon. The 4:00pm cutoff there is the time runners must leave by, so I think she will make it. After that, she will be home free, she can even walk the rest of the way if she needs to. 

A man now jogs up beside her and it seems they are together. She starts talking with him and I can tell she is still feeling really low. I offer her more words of encouragement telling her she can totally do this and not to give up. She thanks me and I feel better about passing her now as she has someone else to rally with her. I am feeling pretty good myself so press on ahead, excited to get to Aid Station #3 called “The Spring” so I can drink that amazing water I keep hearing about.

When I arrive at The Spring, it is a full on party happening. The volunteers have definitely put in the effort to make this one super fun. They are dressed up as astronauts and have hidden blow up aliens in the trees. There are folks standing atop the rock formations well above us, dancing to the blaring rave-like music. It is definitely a “pump-you-up” feel which I am sure every runner appreciates at this point.

I waste no time and head straight for the pickle juice and Coca-Cola since I now know the magical effect of this elixer. There is a definite buzz of energy here and folks are dancing and laughing. I would love to hang out longer and soak up more of these good feels but I had set my intentions to move through this aid quckly. The Spring itself is a cascading creek that rushes along side the trail, pouring down from craggy rocks, pure, clear and ice cold.

The volunteers are pouring the water into people’s soft cups and others I see are scooping the water directly out of the creek. Now that looks like a great idea! I finish off the Coke and pickle juice and move over to the Spring water as a chaser. I tell you what, this is the best water I have ever tasted! It slides into my body like a wash of cool mist getting to the interior of my cells instantly. After downing several cups right from the stream I am even more enlivened and refreshed. Time to hit it!

Our next objective in about a mile or so is to cross Windy Pass, one of the higher points of the Loowit Trail at 4,800 ft, it’s about 500 ft of climbing to get up there and I’m excitedly anticipating the views. Not a quarter mile after leaving the Spring Aid Station I see a group of SAR volunteers alongside the trail offering trail magick. What!? Not only did they make the effort to get themselves way out here, but apparently they rode their dirtbikes. So rad. And, it is enough that we get all these Aid Stations, but now this surprise, what icing on the cake. I stop to chat with these three hearty medical volunteers and thank them for their support. They have a sweet little spread of chips and such dished out on a Z-Rest mat, so in order to show my apreciation I help myself to what I believe are the best flavor of Kettle chips out there, Honey Dijon, nice choice guys!

Over the next half mile or so I catch up with a few runners and begin a friendly conversation. We end up tackling the sandy slog up to the pass together and it’s fun to share the moments of elation with others. The views open up to the Plains of Abraham below and I get a rush of excitement for what is to come. We drop off the pass in an enthusiastic trot making our way to the rocky, sandy, gritty, silty bottom.

Once we reach the flats I decicde to jet off and push the next few miles to the final Aid Station. I can’t really say at this point why I am feeling so fantastic, but I am and I’ll take it! Perhaps it’s the energy of the Volcano. I always believe that one of the most important reasons for spending time in motion within a landscapae is to merge with the energy field of such a landscape and allow that to feed me. Allow it to be my muse, my fuel, to give me a drink of thirst quenching soul food. And this is that for sure. I am loving the ever changing faces of each side of Mt. St. Helens, and now here we are, running across the flat pumice fields beneath her East Dome, diving into a vast abyss.

Here I realize something outside of myself is giving my legs power. Thus I lengthen my stride and feel great joy welling up inside of me for this feeling of elation and flow. I pass a couple runners and am greeted with “nice work” from them. That feels encouraging and I give them a “nice work” along with a big smile right back. We are easily 22-23 miles into this race and it seems I am getting an extra wind.

When I roll into Aid #4 at Ape Canyon the volunteers are whooping with hollers of encouragement. This is another fun crowd to be sure. It is also entirely possible that everyone is giddy at this point in the game. I’m sure they are feeling the long day as much as we runners are. They are so very kind, offering water, electrolytes, snacks and always positive energy even at this late time.

The Aid Station table is once again loaded with treats of all sorts. I grab a couple more squares of PB & J, and why not have a couple more cups of Coke, right!? A volunteer fills my water bottles for the final stretch and she is so encouraging to me. It’s crazy to think I’ve made it this far and still feel so good. I am beyond grateful. Let the bliss continue!

In the race guide there were notes alerting runers to pay attention to water in those final 8 miles as there are more lava fields to cross so it is hot, exposed and slow going in places. Apparentlly lots of folks run out of water here, underestimating how much time it will take to get to that finish line. It is technically a net downhill but not without a fair bit of climbing and picky sections. The cutoff to leave Aid #4 is 4:00pm and I’m psyched I have an hour lead when I set off.

The trail continues now along a general contour sitting at 4,200 ft and gradually declining as we reach the June Lake trail junction at 3,400 ft. Here it’s a fun and cruisy single track interspersed with short segments of lava rock that I dance across. We are now down at the Southeast corner of the Mountain and the views overlook far reaching unfettered forests.

Soon I cross paths with a trail junction for the June Lake Trail. While tempting to turn down that route, the race directors had informed us not to as there is one more segment of the Lowitt Trail to traverse before we turn South and head back to race HQ at Marble Mountain Snow Park. In that final 1.2 miles the trail climbs 300 ft and  sends us one more lava field to navigate. When I arrive at the edge of the lava field I am still feeling strong and having an absolute blast. I set my sights on a couple women ahead of me.

Feelings of excitement well up inside me as I begin touching my feet to the rough rocks. My shoes feel grippy, my ankles sturdy, my legs strong and I am energized. As I close the gap between myself and the two women they don’t notice me there as they are engrossed in conversation. What do I do? I want to pass them but they are not aware of this. We are teetering on tops of rocks and there really isn’t a trail here. I spot a wooden trail marker ahead and use that as a set point to aim for, skipping up and around the women, saying hello as I make my way across. Something inside of me now feels competetive. I get the notion in my brain that I want to see how many women I can pass on this last stretch of trail.

I did not enter this race to compete with others and never set a time goal for myself. I entered this race as an opportunity and really as a reward for the work I’d done this year doing PT and strength training, to test my body and see if in fact I am capeable of running ultra distances again. Not only to run a distance but to do it without pain, without injury and with deep joy and gratitude for the sheer fact that I am out there doing it, that I get to do it. Naturally, in that process, I also want to do my best, what feels like the best effort I can put forth within thosse parameters. I started this race not knowing if I would even finish, and now I am less than 3 miles away from that finish line and I feel amazing. How cool is that?

I start to imagine myself bumping up on the list of finishers and perhaps ticking off a few spots on the women’s side. When I reach the edge of the last lava field I take off, fast. My legs are turning over underneath me really well and the trail tread becomes wonderfully runnable. I decide to have some fun now as I recollect the story of Sally McRae’s race at the Cocodona 250. Somewhere past the 200 mile mark, she decides to try passing 5th and 6th place females and teaches her pacer the strategy of Pass, Gap and Bury. Pass, Gap, Bury. Pass, Gap, Bury. This now becomes my mantra not only with every female runner ahead of me but every runner period.

I enter the deep forest which is now the trail that leads us back to race HQ in less than two miles. It looks so different from this morning and I reflect back on those early miles, that steady slow climb with a bunch of strangers and how the mist fell on us. Now, I am hot, sweaty, amped up and flying downhill listening to the rhythmic sound of my breath and the crunching of gravel under my feet. I have this feeling of total elation and bliss and pass around 10 people on the way down. I hadn’t expected to feel this way in the final miles so this is indeed a celebration.

I’ve got my trekking poles folded up and hold one in each hand, pumping my arms to lock in my pace which truly is not all that fast but it feels fast at mile 32. As I round a bend in the trees I hear the sounds of the finish line, people are cheering for folks crossing the line ahead of me. I had hoped at one point several miles back to see if I could break 10 hours but now see as I cross the line the clock reads 10:10:03 and you know what, I will take it!

As I cross the finish line I hear the announcer call out “and a very strong finish by Milissa Gillen from Flagstaff, Arizona”. Well how cool is that? I am smiling from ear to ear and am swiftly handed a super sweet pint glass with the Vocanic 50K logo filled to the brim with cold spring water that I guzzle on the spot. I tell you what, that is the best tasting water ever! What a wonderful race finish treat!

Moments later, I stand still taking in the scene, taking in the moments of the finish as a tall and kind Brad approaches me. It’s Brad from this morning! Oh hey! I am taken aback just a bit that he not only remembered me from this morning but that he came up to congratulate me. He offers to take my photo standing under the finish line and companionship over where he has been sitting, cheering folks in. He’s got a few chairs set up and is now waiting to see Joel finish and cheer him in. I am delighted to have friends and join him without hesitation.

It feels really lovely to sit down after the race with someone who also just had their own experience out there on that magical mountain. The conversation is compelling and encouraging and we continue to share stories over a burger and for myself, a beer, provided by the race organization. I have my plate loaded with a giant burger complete with BBQ sauce, cheese and the works, with a fair helping of potato salad, watermelon and an iced cold IPA in my pint glass. Wow does this hit the spot!

The vibe of the finish line is a rolling wave of cheering as more and more folks cross the finish line. I finally see the woman whom I crossed paths with back near Aid #3 who had wanted to quit and it looks like she finished! Before long, we see Joel cross the finish line and we cheer him in hollering and clapping. Joel joins us and now we three sit there for another few hours cheering folks in, eating, hydrating and having wonderful conversation. As it turns out, Joel and Brad live in North Portland and when they learn I am planning to sleep in my car tonight at race HQ they offer me a place to stay for the night with a real bed and a hot shower. How can I resist?